a letter for nash on the eve of your first birthday
it’s the eleventh of june and tomorrow our sweet nash charles (or ‘nash charlie’ or ‘charlie boy’ as i often call him) will turn one.
still my baby, always and forever.
yet, i am having a hard time with this milestone. he’s been such a dream baby and i have tried to take in every moment, every stage with him. the simple moments together; heartfelt embraces, his contagious giggle, the smell of his soft skin.
and it’s all gone by more quickly than any other year of my life.
oh my, has this week been hard.
and at the same time- it’s been so incredibly magical.
i remember last year today so vividly… my parents came into town and we went to lunch at the suffolk punch, my mom and i got a manicure and then we all went to dinner together at fran’s filling station. it was hard for me to enjoy and eat with so many emotions about the unknown and the joy of getting to meet our baby – so soon. the fact that we knew he was arriving and he didn’t – that maybe he wasn’t ready? and our last moments with just our first born son. overall, i was just extremely nervous after a traumatic birth with parks. however, the moment i saw my loving doctor the morning of the scheduled c-section, all that fear left me and i felt at peace; so calm. nash’s birth was so beautiful- an indescribable beauty. i remember waiting outside the operating room and hearing tiny cries behind the curtains of babies newly born doing skin-to-skin- and i started to weep. i remember the way the nurse embraced my hands on the cold operating table while i received anesthesia (the most painful part by far) … i looked down and saw how much she cared and knew i would always remember how i felt in that moment and the image of our embrace. the perfect combination of strong and tender. after he arrived, i remember wanting to do nothing but hold my baby for days and days – every part of his newness and the intimacy of a brand new, very special, bond. the kind that lasts a lifetime.
his nursery is still my favorite room in our home
dear nash,
i love you. more than anything. more than wild violets, the sight of the sea, spicy thai takeout, the smell of linen, or a refreshing trip to the lake. you make my world go ’round. the moment i saw, ‘it’s a boy!’ in the park on that winter morning, i anticipated your bond with your brother; my future boys of fall. and it has surpassed everything i ever could have imagined. you love parks more than anything. and he loves you so dearly.
your golden skin
and soft hair
the way your toes curl over
just like your dad’s
your eyes are known to sparkle
and your hair curls ever so slightly after a warm bath
you are the thing for which i am profoundly grateful, the someone who drives me to the ground- to renew and trust and seek after my maker.
it has been the greatest honor carrying you, watching over you, protecting you with my life alone.
i am so proud.
your temperament is so tender; so lovable. your favorites are music, food!, balls, your family, swimming/bath time, nursing, time at the park, books, car rides, waving + clapping, and your bunny
you purse your lips together often and crawl super fast and love to climb and you are so close to walking
i love you to the moon and stars
the moon and stars
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours.
my love forever,
your mom
“speak to your children as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magical humans on earth, for what they believe is what they become.” – brooke hampton
tomorrow you will wake up one!
+
‘as long as i am living
my baby you’ll be.’
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