in loving memory of my sweet grandmother

during the late evening hours of december 17th, my maternal grandmother passed away. i was very close to her and she will always be a part of me. it is so hard to lose a grandparent (she was my last living one). in many ways, grandparents define our childhood. she was 95 years old and after 31 years, is finally reunited with her love.

she loved me unconditionally and i know she was very proud of me. and i will forever be proud of the life she lived.

i was able to grow up about fifteen minutes away from her and she was always present throughout my life. she was the most wonderful grandmother i ever could have been given and i just loved her so dearly. knowing she is at peace and in the arms of Jesus brings me hope and joy but the pain of losing her also hurts so tenderly. i feel grateful to have had forty-one years with her – my childhood and school years, sacraments and milestones and loves; watching me grow from a girl to a woman, she was able to attend our wedding in north carolina from her home in the countryside of ohio, and then met all of my sweet babies. they loved going to visit her and she loved them and their big brown eyes. when she met rosie for the first time (christmas of 2022) she kept telling me how beautiful she was- over and over- and that i got my little girl.

july 13, 1929 – december 17, 2024

my sister facetimed me on the last day of november and when i saw my grandma, i knew. i knew that she was at the end of her days on this earth and that heaven was near… she reassured us over the past few weeks that she was ready and so it’s been such a bittersweet holiday season for me. my niece, leona (7) played christmas songs on the piano as we drove home from being by the sea in florida. tears streamed my face, as i took in the moment. it was such a special and beautiful moment and i know that i will always remember it. it’s not a coincidence that she left us around christmas. it was her favorite (her and my mom were always the best magic makers) and some of my best memories in this one life, have been with her at christmas time. she loved to play kenny and dolly’s vinyl, ‘a christmas to remember,’ red poinsettias lined up while decorating sugar cookies, and the same tree year after year- some years we got to help her decorate it with her nostalgic ornaments and i loved that. “the little drummer boy” was her favorite … i just love the, “pa rum pum pum pum,” she would say. and i have heard this song at the most precious moments this month. and the church will be lined with red poinsettias next week…

christmas eve – my very favorite day of the year as a child and she passed exactly a week to the day.
this year, she will be celebrating with the King
i can picture all four of my grandparents sitting around the table together this year – laughing and playing cards and dancing and sharing memories

i remember driving around to look at christmas lights with her and my paternal grandpa, all dressed up after a fancy dinner, and going to see baby Jesus in the center of our hometown. there was usually snow and we would come back to a tree full of wrapped gifts from santa. it was common for santa to deliver presents on the eve where i grew up because most farmers had morning chores to attend to. i was able to spend almost every christmas eve of my life with her… and i will always have that. christmas day and easter as a child, too. and now, we will always think of her at christmas.

“Christmas is God’s way of whispering, “You are so loved.”
this message for her last day on this earth

my favorite song of 2024 was pink skies by zach bryan and last night on the way into the city for the charlotte ballet’s, the nutcracker, my oldest son and i saw the most beautiful and majestic sunset. to many more pink skies, gram – that you taught us to enjoy. then the sun fell and it became dark when we reached the city and the little drummer boy came on the radio. i really felt her as this year comes to an end…

my mom was adopted as a baby and my grandma always loved her unconditionally- just like her own. their bond was always extremely strong and her love for my mom was always so evident to me throughout my life. my grandma was my mom’s person. i was her oldest grandchild and always felt a strong bond with her as well. she loved me so beautifully – she gave grace and i have never once felt judged by her… i have only ever felt pure love from her kind soul.

my grandma had the most giving and generous heart:
“i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you.”
-ee cummings

she was the hardest working woman i have ever met. never complaining, she would would put on her overalls and work boots (in every type of weather and season) and would go out to milk the cows way before the sun rose and would work on their dairy farm daily. i remember the wind whipping and her trudging through slopes of snow on winter mornings; seeing her bundle up to go out, her dog, bambi, and all her barn cats by her side. she fed and took care of the animals and drove tractors and did manual labor and gave up on things in life like the ability to travel often – always with a smile. after retiring and selling their cows, she did travel- and she loved it.

things i always want to remember and signs of her love |

her love for her family – a mother of four and grandmother to fourteen and great grandmother to twenty-five (almost twenty-six). she loved children and animals and most of all, she loved the Lord

the way she loved her home- full of love and memories. she lived in it for almost seventy years

she never complained, never judged, never made comments about others- what a legacy. she was resilient, patient, gentle, self-less, and kind

countless sleepovers with my cousins. i loved the way she would peek her head through the crack in the doorway to check to see if we were awake in the morning… always to the smell of bacon and coffee

a love for yellow roses, just like my mom

the 12 days of christmas song to announce a trip to las vegas for her and my grandpa

how she would scrub us down with a bar of zest soap after a day of exploring outside on the farm- we were free range kids (and looking back.. what a gift to have had that!) we drove the riding lawn mower around at a young age, we played in the haymow with pitch forks and then jumped down onto the mounds of hay, how we piled into the light blue pick-up truck and took country drives to the fields, we caught crickets in peanut jars, threw corn cobs at the pigs… we had so much fun!

the movies: the beverly hillbillies and son in law

i loved her classy clothes and shoes and would always try on her lipsticks

the way she would fold me into a hug

my boys pushing her wheelchair around the grounds – around the pond and by the flowers and then to the water fountain; always looking for kittens

the last time i saw my grandma was in august of 2024 and i got to watch my boys sing and play the tambourine with a band while i held her hand and watched her enjoy the songs, and during my last facetime on december 5, she she told my mom after, “janelle called me!,” and she told me how much she loved me.

her name was yolanda catherine. and she loved it and that it started with a ‘y’

shopping trips with my mom and her

her eyes were like a new moon when she saw us

the wooden silverware box and her green daisy blossom floral plates

the lay’s potato chips and the gummy bears in the orange tupperware bowl in her corner cupboard

hide and seek in her closet that led to another room

square black and white photos in her coffee table

how she gave every grandchild an ornament every christmas- wrapped in a check box (boxes she always reused)

family picnics and her camera ready with film for each special event/holiday

grandparents day in elementary school with my grandpa charlie

she loved things that were ‘unique’

a refrigerator full of magnets from travels and a house full of her angel collection

her love for candy and her epic hiding spot – her underwear drawer!

the colors purple and yellow

the way she would take laps and walk around our house for exercise

her phone numbers on the window shutter that flipped

the year we all wore ugly sweaters on christmas day and she couldn’t get over how festive and cute we all looked

her fried chicken and pecan sandies and spaghetti o’s

visiting our grandpa’s grave at easter while the easter bunny came – all of our baskets lined up on her front porch

rainbow sherbet and putt putt golfing and dominoes and games of wiffle ball – she was always the pitcher

mixing up our names when she would call for us

how she would go out dancing every saturday night with my grandpa, ‘who’s gonna fill their shoes‘

she played cards (euchre) all the time and was hard to beat

she loved her july birthday and her birthstone, the ruby (when my daughter was born six days after hers – when we tried for almost two years to conceive her- i knew this was a symbol from above… i truly believed all of her great grandmothers played a role in creating her)

her stamped cross-stitch projects were masterfully done and always so beautiful and intricate- we all received birth announcements, stockings, blankets, etc.

klondike bars and games of animal bingo

her love for music (especially old country) and going to the movies

she was humble and loving and warm and safe- the best kind of grandma

always praying before supper and her famous angel food cake and rhubarb pie
“Blessed us, O Lord, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord. Amen”

being a kid on the farm

a fifteen minute rest every day after lunch

pizza hut buffet and chinese food

something sweet (just a piece) after a meal

how the white church with the stained glass windows glowed every christmas day as we all gathered

she was hands-on and played with us all so much – she loved cards/board games, especially rummikub, but also made up her own and we would play them in the yard like drop the clothes pin in the jar. and she hardly ever lost her patience with us, even in the chaos.

her Catholic faith- she loved her church and her rosaries and how she always gave each of us a st. christopher medal when we turned sixteen. i will always remember the time in the ’90s when she really tried to make it to church with us- driving through an intense snowstorm we got halfway there and we turned around and she decided we would pray a rosary together instead.

she loved her faith, but was also open to all.

my grandma loved angels- she collected many over the years. and now she will be our angel forever. i lost my other grandmother when i was four years old, but i have always felt her presence in my life.. so that also gives me peace knowing that she will always be near…

when my sister told me that my mom and her siblings were surrounding her monday evening (december 16) and that they had played the little drummer boy, and prayed around her- i started to cry. my son, nash, kissed my cheek and said, “she will always be with you, momma.”

most of all, she taught me to take in the simple parts of life; i want to look out our windows at the birds resting from the sky and i want to always know when our roses and hibiscus are ready to be watered. i want to spend my days watching rosie pat her babies backs, and try on my shoes like i used to try on my gram’s, and learn the fine skill of stacking her blocks without having them crumble. i want to notice the little corners of my husbands mouth even more. i want to pick our produce from the farmer’s market on a saturday morning and spend too long smelling the clementines. i want to always travel the distance of my kids’ foreheads into the slope of his/her nose until they fall asleep.

grandma-

i will think of you on the awakened days of spring
the warmth of summer days by the ocean
when the wind is cool at dawn and dusk and everything is wonderfully colored
every beginning of winter; the unexpected gifts of Christmas – the twinkling lights, the angel on our tree, your favorite song, snow and stars

i want to rely on the miraculous timing of God- always.

thank you, sweet gram
for your love
i know there is a special place in heaven – just for you
where every day is like christmas
among the angels,
and the angels cried and rejoiced

for our
forever angel.

you deserve the best because you gave the best!
and i love you so.

this song | come to Jesus

And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on glory’s side… and

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live,

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live.